Raising Cain - Dan Kindlon, PhD & Michael Thompson, PhD

This was a tough one to get through, not because the book isn't worth reading, but because it was very similar to the first book I reviewed, Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph. This book focuses on the emotional mis-education that many boys receive and offers solutions on how to raise emotionally competent boys who grow up to be confident, successful and emotionally open men. The book uses a lot of case studies from actual meetings that the authors had, which I found interesting, but also a bit overdone. Also, as my boy is only a toddler, many of the chapters dealing with all the things that can go wrong including drugs, depression, anger, suicide, violence, etc. I found a bit too far out in front of me. I will likely have to revisit these chapters in a decade or so.

I did enjoy reading about the importance of strong relationships, and their impact on boys as they mature into men. I already feel that maintaining a close and caring relationship with my 2 year old is often challenging. I have a hard time balancing discipline with allowing him the space to explore the world, and exhaust some of his endless energy without becoming exhausted myself. I want so much to love every little bit of him and to provide him with a safe environment where he feels love, security, and is encouraged to become himself. I feel that this book has a lot of good advice on how to do that. My favorite passage in the book reads:

"We have to teach boys that there are many ways to become a man; that there are many ways to be brave, to be a good father, to be loving and strong and successful. We need to celebrate the natural creativity and risk taking of boys, their energy their boldness. We need to praise the artist and the entertainer, the missionary and the athlete, the soldier and the male nurse, the store owner and the round-the-world sailor, the teacher and the CEO. There are many ways for a boy to make a contribution in this life."

If anything, I think that this book helped me to realize that the best way to help my toddler become a man is to let him first be a boy. The kind of boy who likes to eat worms, climb on cars, carry on friendly conversations with adults he doesn't know, wrestle with his dad, run from bush to bush chasing monsters, run to me when he is hurt, play in the sand, open the fridge and eat half a chocolate cake without asking, and give me suckerfish kisses.

Dividing Lines

While reading my favorite guilty pleasure, the Economist, I came across an article on the growth of home-schooling in America. The article, "Kitchen-classroom Conservatives", discusses some of the reasons that home-schooling has doubled in the last decade to an estimated 1.5 million (which is considered a low estimate according to some sources). Not surprisingly, religion is one of the leading motivators.

As I finished the article and started thinking about some of the points that were made, I started to feel uneasy. It took me a while to pinpoint what it was that bothered me so much, and after mulling it over for a few days, I finally figured it out. It wasn't the article or any particular slant paid to either side of the home-schooling issue, but rather the implications stemming from the fact that so many religious families feel their beliefs are not respected or even have a place in the public school system.

I don't believe that when the Founding Fathers felt inspired to separate church from state that what they intended was to squelch religion in any form from our public schools, and more broadly all our government institutions. It seems that efforts to foster diversity and acceptance have, instead, turned into a refusal to even imply that there is a right and wrong. Everything Goes is the only religious dogma that seems to permeate the public schools generally.

Believing in anything is seen as "close-minded". That concerns me. I would much rather my children attend schools with others of any faith, be it Jewish, Muslim, Baptist, Catholic, Mormon, or Protestant, than in an environment where religion of any sort is marginalized. I found it interesting as well that the article suggested that with such a liberal president in the White House, homeschooling was only expected to grow. I find it disturbing that the lines dividing us politically or religiously are also being drawn in the classroom, to the point that parents feel the need to take children out of the school system altogether.

Raising Boys - Steve Biddulph

I have a 2-year-old boy who is constantly bouncing off the walls, whacking bushes with sticks, growling like a bear, hissing like a snake, spilling, messing, and grabbing anything and everything he shouldn't. Some days are better than others, but it is rare that a day goes by without both entertainment and irritation. He can fly off the handle and then into my arms for a big hug within seconds.

Any thoughts I had favoring nurture over nature flew out the window the second that he uttered his first word, "helicopter". Huh? I clearly don't get it. I grew up a tomboy playing football and cutting the hair of the few barbie dolls I owned. My friends were boys, I played with boys, and I avoided girls. And I still don't get it. My confusion and frustration in raising my son have bubbled lately and have sent me scrambling for literature to calm my soul, my son, and my home.


RAISING BOYS, Steve Biddulph
Why Boys Are Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men

My husband returned home with this book from the library the day after a particularly rough day with our son. I was starting to question whether his energy levels were "above average", and words like ADD, ADHD and hyperactivity were starting to swirl through my head. I figured before I took drastic steps such as removing all wheat and sugar from his diet or sending him off to the military and requesting an early entrance exception, I should do a bit of reading.


I found this book to be incredibly insightful, particularly if you find yourself being pulled in by some of the terms I have used to describe my own son. I felt reassured that my son is actually quite normal for a 2+ boy (not to say that all hyperactivity or other behavioral problems can be written off with a "boys will be boys" mentality). That knowledge alone allowed me to breathe a sigh of relief and work on loosening up with him a bit. In my quest to figure out how to best educate a boy, I found the following to be the most useful tidbits or impressions I came away with:

• Boys typically do not develop hand coordination (affecting handwriting) or maturity as quickly as girls. What follows is that boys who attend school in a co-ed classroom are compared to their female counterparts which may lead to an early sense of inadequacy.


• Male mentors become an essential part of keeping boys grounded in their pre-teen and teen years when they are pulling away from their parents and trying to establish independence, but are also yearning for guidance.


• Fathers matter. In addition to having some great information for my husband, it was important for me to remember this in terms of allowing my husband the leeway to develop his own relationship with our son even if his way of bonding/ playing/ working/ disciplining is different from mine.

Things that make me go hmmmmm:

• As a christian and a big believer in the human ability to make choices and develop self-discipline, I didn't agree with some of his assertions with regard to masturbation, pornography and sexuality. My view is to steer clear, way clear (not of sexuality of course). That said, I realize that there are some very physical aspects to these topics that, as a woman, I probably have a hard time understanding so I will probably avoid real consideration of these issues for as long as I can.

Discussion
I am leaning more and more toward the idea that boys and girls would both benefit from the absence of a co-ed environment. Additionally, I would like to see more male teachers in the classroom during the early years. As I mentioned earlier, I really believe that nature plays a HUGE part in gender identity and as such, I think that even women like myself who think they understand boys really don't/can't. The differences in interests, energy and organization levels are real and both genders deserve the understanding of same-gender role models. It seems that in public education particularly, the men have all but disappeared from elementary schools. Other than increasing salaries, are there any great programs out there focused on bringing men back to schools?

First Day of School

I remember a few things from the first day of school, like getting punched in the stomach by another girl. Thanks to the pictures in my scrapbook, I also remember wearing pigtails and a red shirt. I also remember being really excited.


Three decades or so later, I feel terrified at the thought of going back to school. Not in a formal sense, and my terror is in no relation to my own performance or my own insecurities, but rather the terror that acccompanies parenthood. I plan to educate myself on education, and that seems like a formidable task. I recently had my second child, a girl, and my 2-year old son just keeps getting bigger, louder, and more rambunctious. I, like most parents, want what is best for my children, but I am worried that education isn't as clear cut as it was when I first climbed the steps of that big yellow bus (or was walked to class by my mother - I don't remember the details). Or, maybe things are just like they have been for over a century - parents buy new school clothes, strap a backpack on their 5-year old, cry a few tears, and send them off to school. This is what I plan to find out.


My mindset at the present, not having done too much research, can be summed up by the following observations:

• Public schools are as varied as the children that attend them, which means that as a parent, it is no longer okay to simply send my child to the nearest bus stop and hope that the corresponding school serves him well.


• No child left behind has left behind our best and brightest.


• Schools limit my own interaction with my children, so that time better be worth the time spent away from home.


• I don't really have a clue as to what my options are, or how to best serve the unique and individual needs of my very individual children.

This is where I am starting, I hope to finish with a more clear vision of the road ahead.